


I Keep Myself Busy With The Things I Do, But Everytime I Pause I Still Think Of You

by beka1820



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Buffy Manes is everything, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Michael Guerin Loves Alex Manes, Michael Guerin Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22566535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beka1820/pseuds/beka1820
Summary: Alex is missing. Michael finally breaks.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 10
Kudos: 114





	I Keep Myself Busy With The Things I Do, But Everytime I Pause I Still Think Of You

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first attempt at angst!!! My mind wants to stay in fluff mode but I was attempting a prompt and it went angsty and longer than planned.  
> I want to dedicate this again to my Junkyard crew. They continue to offer me support and encouragement and don't judge when it takes me forever to write only a few words.  
> I love all of you.
> 
> Just as a warning, a panic attack of sorts does happen in this story.

“I think you need stitches”

Michael barely realizes Liz is talking, even when she pokes around the gash near his temple. It should hurt, and he can register in his mind somewhere that it does, but he doesn’t have the time or care to focus on that feeling right now. He knows that head wounds always bleed a lot, he’s sure it’s not as big a deal as she’s making it out to be. He didn’t even realize till he was halfway to Max’s that he had even hurt himself enough to be bleeding. He still can’t believe that he fell down those last steps on his bunker. He was in a hurry and wasn’t paying attention. He doesn’t have time to be worrying about things like that. Alex doesn’t have time for him to be worrying about things like that.

He doesn’t know how long Liz has been trying to get his attention, didn’t even realize she was still talking until the papers he was looking at are ripped out of his grasp.

“What the hell Ortecha????”

“I’ve been trying to get your attention for the last couple minutes. You can look up from the research for one minute and focus on what I’m saying.” 

“Those papers are our best lead to finding Alex. Are you seriously trying to slow down the process of rescuing Alex because you want to chat?”

It’s a dick comment. He knows it is as he’s saying it, but he can’t seem to stop himself and he’s honestly not sure if he cares at this point. He’s got a lot to apologize for, he knows, but until they get Alex back and he’s in his arms, he can’t even begin to worry about anything else. He knows his family and friends are concerned about him. They’ve all seen him fall apart before, but never quite like this. He knows this is a whole different level and they are helpless to do anything. 

But it’s Alex, and he can't, he can’t…

“MICHAEL”

It startles him and pulls him out of his momentary spiral that he doesn't have time for. He realizes belatedly that the table and everything on it were beginning to rattle before she got his attention.

“I’m choosing to ignore what you just accused me of because I know how much you’re hurting right now. But don’t you dare ever say anything like that to me again. He’s my family too.” She replies calmly and lethally. 

He swallows and nods. He briefly sees Liz’s gaze soften a little and give him a slight smile that lets him know for now he’s forgiven and reminds him once again she’s probably the most forgiving person he’s ever met. He knows he’s been so selfish. That he is far from the only one affected by Alex missing. Everyone has mostly let it slide though because they seem to all finally be on the same page in understanding what Alex means to Michael. What he’s always meant to Michael. 

They understand that through the good and bad, Alex is as important and essential to Michael as breathing is. 

They’ve been witness to the past few months as they tried to convince themselves they needed to move on and failed spectacularly. They saw them argue and fight over jealousy, betrayal, and past hurts. They watched as they slowly became the friends they never got the chance to be before, watched as it was clearly starting to blossom into something beautiful like it was always meant to. And then they saw when it all fractured with Alex returning the ship piece he’d been holding on to the last few months. 

He feels his jaw clench so hard he’s afraid his teeth will crack when he thinks about the ship piece and the last words they said to each other before Alex disappeared and he was thrown in this current nightmare. 

Michael had known that Alex was sincerely apologetic and remorseful about keeping the piece from him, and to be fair he understood why he did. He often had thought of hiding anything that he could that would prevent Alex from going back to the Air Force each time he came to visit. 

So all Michael could focus on was that when they were finally making progress and on the same page, Alex was willingly giving him the piece he needed, both of them fully aware it would mean he could leave the planet if he wanted. 

But all Michael wanted was for Alex to tell him not to use it, to ask him to stay. And all Michael knew was that Alex didn’t feel he deserved to say those words. So they reverted to old habits and lashed out at each other, and then retreated to lick their wounds. And a few days later before anything was fixed, Michael got the call that turned his world upside down. 

And now Alex is gone and Michael didn’t get to tell him that he doesn’t even care about the stupid ship. He stopped caring the second he kissed Alex at the reunion and felt at peace for the first time in 10 years. He’d throw it against the nearest wall and watch it shatter if it meant he got to see Alex face for even a second. 

He didn’t even realize that Kyle had arrived or was in front of him until he was once again yanked out of his thoughts. Kyle gives him the option of a bandage or stitches, he says he would prefer that Michael get stitches. Michael chooses the bandage. There's no time for the stitches and Michael finds he’ll take any opportunity to contradict the doctor. He feels a voice in his head tell him he isn’t being fair. It sounds like Alex and that somehow just pisses him off even more. He doesn’t care right now that Kyle has been nothing but helpful and determined since the moment Alex was missing. The only thing Michael sees are either clues or obstacles and everything that doesn’t get them closer is just a hindrance to him. 

He looks around the room to see everyone there talking to each other, there’s just too much noise and he needs to focus so he grabs some of the papers, intent to go to one of the many bunkers and get some actual work done. He vaguely hears something about a meeting about to take place and how he needs to stay put.

Screw that, he thinks. He doesn't have time for all of them getting together and admitting they still have no idea where Alex is. They don’t need a meeting for that and he’s tired of wasting time all so that everyone can check on him under false pretenses. He isn’t ok, he's willing to tell anyone that asks and he knows they already know. He doesn’t need an intervention. They can confront him all they like when Alex is back safe and sound, but for now if they aren’t going to be solely focused on bringing back his person, then he doesn’t have the time or patience to be in the same room as them. 

He’s halfway to the door when his legs suddenly forget how to move. Isobel just walked through, and while she looks concerned and wrecked, his eyes are frozen on several feet below her face. On Alex’s beagle, Buffy. 

Buffy, who everyone fell for hard the second Alex brought her home. They often argued and drew straws to see who got to take care of her when Alex needed a dog sitter. They insisted he brings her to every meeting and gathering they had and she loved every second of it, basked in the attention and belly scratches. Right now she’s in the company of loved ones, but Buffy is standing next to Isobel looking unsure and lost. And sad.

“She was only alone for a few hours at the most before Kyle came by and realized Alex was missing. She was locked in the bedroom but was completely unharmed. A couple of us have been trading off taking care of her. She’s ok Michael.” She pauses a beat, clearly unsure if she should continue. “She just misses him.”

Isobel’s words temporarily break through the ringing in his ears as he stares at Alex’s precious dog. He can hear Isobel’s tone, hear how she’s trying to make him feel better, to calm him down. 

He’d been so consumed with his anger and determination over the past couple days he’d forgotten about Buffy. He looks down at her and sees her staring up at him. The look on her face isn’t what it usually is when she sees him and it’s just wrong. It’s all wrong. 

The end of that leash should be in Alex's hand right now. Scratch that, she shouldn’t even be here. She’s supposed to be at the cabin, running around the front yard, picking up every other stick than the one Alex actually threw. She’s supposed to be laying in front of the fire, asleep and snoring while he and Alex spend more and more time together. She’s supposed to be rushing through the door the moment Alex opens it when he comes home, so excited to see him and greeting him with so much love and trust. 

But she’s not doing any of those things. She’s not with Alex like she’s supposed to be. Alex is gone and she’s here and she looks like he feels and, and 

He hears a bone-chilling wail and before he can completely understand what happened, he finds that the sound came from him and that he’s suddenly on his knees on the floor. 

He can’t breathe and he leans down on his hands to try to center himself. He immediately can tell it’s not working because he feels things around him starting to move and hears everyone trying to get his attention. He registers Isobel and Max kneeling in front of him but he can’t hear anything they’re saying. He feels like he’s underwater, he can’t breathe and everything is muffled. He feels the panic seizing at his chest, it’s like he’s being told all over again that Alex was missing. Only this time he can’t seem to hold on to the rage that kept him focused. All he can feel and think is despair. He loses time while he’s fighting to contain the chaos that is spilling out of him.

He hears a commotion but can’t pay it much mind while he’s busy trying to get his powers back in check. He needs his hands on a guitar, except he knows that isn’t enough. He needs Alex. He’s the only thing that has ever truly calmed him down and quieted his soul.

He knows everyone is wanting to help but afraid to make things worse, they know he hasn’t been reacting well to comforting or any kind of touches lately. So he’s completely caught off guard when he feels a slight nudge to his arm, followed by a lick to his face. He looks to the side to see Buffy sitting there, watching him with the most kind and knowing eyes. They remind him of her owner’s and he’s briefly transported to 10 years ago when he was offered a place to stay and he found a home. He gets lost in those caring eyes for a second and next thing he knows he’s hearing that same voice in his head from before, this time telling him to take a deep breath. 

It takes him a second, but he finds he can finally do it. He starts counting to 5 with each inhale and exhale and when the fog starts to lift he sees that the room has stopped spinning and shaking. Literally and figuratively. 

With his head clearing up, he finds he can’t help but be amused. Of course the only other thing that can calm him down would still be linked to Alex.

He sits back on his legs and tentatively reaches out and when Buffy welcomes the touch he strokes over her head and back with his left hand. He hasn’t allowed anyone to touch that hand since Max healed it. He’s kept it covered with a bandana because it didn’t feel or look right. But now he runs that hand along smooth fur and lets the feel of it ground him. He imagines Alex sitting in his cabin at nights doing the exact same thing, seeking comfort in this innocent and loving animal. He doesn’t care if it's crazy, it’s the first time since Alex has been taken that he feels that connection to him that always brings him a sense of peace. He opens his eyes and looks down at her and damn him if she doesn’t seem to know exactly what he’s thinking. He can’t help but smile.

“Thank you sweet girl. How about we work on getting him back ok? I think we can both agree this whole mess is starting to get old.”

She gives him a little yip and licks his hand and he chuckles at her through the tears.

It’s perfect timing really because next thing he knows, both of Alex’s brothers are walking through the door. He swears they both have a swift punch to the face, or in Flint’s case, throat coming for what they’ve put Alex and honestly Michael through. But right now they are actually useful and seem to genuinely want to help Alex. And he’ll take anything he can get at this point.

He can see by the looks on their faces as they talk to Kyle that they have good news for once and so Michael takes one last deep breath and realizes he’s still on the floor so he moves to stand up only to be greeted by two hands offering help. He looks up to see Max and Isobel, each offering a hand. He grips both and they pull him up. He feels such gratitude in that moment for them. They’ve been there for him every moment and step of the way these last couple days. Even when he lashed out and even though Alex is technically Isobel’s new best friend so she’s been sick with worry herself, they have focused entirely on him. Even now all he sees is concern and understanding in their eyes. He sees the compassion that he always wanted to see, and maybe was always there but buried beneath years of lies and secrets and bitterness between them. He doesn’t offer an apology now, he knows the look on his face is the best he can currently give. And they both seem to accept judging by the way they both give him a smile. 

They lead him over to the couch and sit on either side, continuing to offer silent support. 

With everyone else settled, Buffy climbs in his lap and settles in. She’s a comforting presence no matter how heated the conversation gets as they all realize that a confrontation is hours away. But he continues to hold on to her and stay focused. She’s counting on him and he won’t fail her. Or Alex.

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream at me about malex on tumbr @i-never-look-away


End file.
